Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Introspection (?)

Its been a sort of quiet few days...which is just fine.  Though I keep having that odd feeling that I should be going or doing something to...."get ready".  Get ready for what I am not sure of lol.  I am so used to running around (some times like a chicken with its perverbial head cut-off), that to suddenly have it all stop leaves a blank space that I need to fill.  I keep having this sense of urgency come over me as if I have to fill-in that space with something & (oh boy am I reading lol). Its like I am trying to build to the stress level that I live in during the school year.  Its so strange.  I desperately needed a break from that constant intense stress and now here I am trying to build it back up for no other reason then I am used to it.  It get so that I am frozen and end up doing nothing at all which is probably what the cosmos is trying to tell me to just stop.  Stop and feel and breathe...breathe. 

I did some drawing yesterday but I kept stopping and starting to wander onto the computer or just wander.  I want to create....actually I NEED to create.  I know that for me it is the one thing that heals me, calms me...completes me.  It makes me feel whole, fills me with confindence about who am, what I know like nothing else can.  Math makes me feel smart when I conquer it but it is a stress that makes me nervous because of the hard work that goes into it.  Teaching reaches me because of the great responsibility I have with helping my kids.  But neither of those makes me whole in the way creating does.  Those two things are a small pieces of me but art is the whole of me.  I have detached myself from it for so very long and its lack in my life has made me ...hmm made me "un-calm" ...distanced from my true self.  I am less able to deal with stress and considering the level of stress we have at our school that is actually not a good thing.  Not good for me and definately not good for my kids.  Makes me short tempered and especially makes me less grateful and resentful.  Not good...not good at all.  I do not want to be that angry teacher that kids remember later in life with a shake of thier heads.  I do not want to be that kind of person who is alwyas complaining.  Its uncomfortable and its stressful. 

Getting off the distraction of this computer and going into my studio to create...something...anything. :-)

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